Facilitation has taught me a lot of things about how to lead engaging group experiences. I’ve written about how discovering facilitation was a breakthrough for me. It changed the course of my professional career.
Facilitation has also taught me many lessons that I have applied to my personal relationships. Last week I celebrated my 20th wedding anniversary with my husband. I realized that I have applied many facilitation skills to my marriage.
Like groups, relationships are complex and constantly changing. I learned at an early age from my parent’s divorce that relationships don’t always last forever. And sometimes they aren’t meant to. There is no one recipe for “success”. And there simply are no “givens”.
Like facilitation, relationships have their ups and downs. In my own marriage, we have had wonderful adventures together. For our anniversary, I made a slideshow of some of these amazing moments. We’ve also had our fair share of crises. Somehow those didn’t make it into the slideshow. But they have been equally important in building resilience in our relationship.
Like becoming an exceptional facilitator, building strong relationships is a life-long quest. We’ve had to pass through the good times and significant challenges to grow in our relationship. At times it’s been hard work. I’ve had to examine my own assumptions and behaviors. And, own up that I have a lot still to learn.
How can I do better? I wish I could say I have navigated the most difficult moments with empathy and care. But I have made mistakes. There are things I wish I had done differently. Instead of looking back with regret, I have learned to ask myself regularly “How can I do better?”.
So how can I do better?
Here are 5 lessons that facilitation has taught me about building stronger relationships.
✨Build connection. Skilled facilitators know how to build connection. One way is to give people in a group opportunities to share meaningful things about themselves. That includes their interests, fears, desires, and dreams. It builds intimacy and closeness. Relationships also thrive when both people share what’s important on a deeper personal level. See 36 Questions That Lead to Love.
👂Listen Actively. Skilled facilitators are exceptional listeners. They listen actively while someone else speaks. They paraphrase and reflect back on what is said. They withholding judgment and advice. It makes others feel seen and heard. The same holds true for building strong relationships. See How to Practice Active Listening.
🎁Give and receive feedback. Skilled facilitators know that giving meaningful feedback is one way to help participants to grow. They are also open to receiving feedback. They treat it like a gift. The same goes for building strong relationships. Your partner is often in the best position to see things that you may not see. Giving and receiving feedback in a relationship is a sign that you both care. See Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well, by Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen. Also Difficult Conversations by the same authors.
🥧Be humble. Skilled facilitators know that they don’t always have the right answers. And they acknowledge when they don’t. Being humble means that you are willing to accept your shortcomings. When it comes to building strong relationships admitting when you are wrong opens opportunities for a relationship to grow. See Why Thinking Like a Scientist is Good for you Adam Grant Interview from the Greater Good Science Centre.
😊Spark joy. The best facilitators I know bring joy into group experiences. Let’s face it – having fun makes us want to engage more. It helps to activate connection, delight, a sense of purpose, and fulfillment. Same with relationships. Yes, they can be challenging. Sometimes monotonous. That’s why we can’t forget to find ways to spark joy in our relationships. See Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi’s book Flow: The Psychology of Happiness book and his TED Talk.
As Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, author of Flow says,
“One way or another, if human evolution is to go on, we shall have to learn to enjoy life more thoroughly”.
Gwyn Wansbrough is a Facilitator and Experience Designer based in Barcelona, Spain. She works with people and organizations around the world to create dynamic and empowering learning experiences online and in person. She writes about facilitation, creativity, and learning in a weekly newsletter called The Quest. Subscribe here or visit www.gwynwansbrough.com to learn more.
