I’m a Virgo.
Look it up and you’ll find that the primary trait of a Virgo is “a perfectionist at heart”.
Being a perfectionist served me pretty well when I was at school. I made meticulous notes. I got pretty good grades.
And then came real life.
I remember one of my first jobs out of university was with the editorial department of a magazine. The big event of each week was the editorial meeting on Monday morning. It was the opportunity for ambitious editors to pitch their ideas. I felt the adrenaline rush of sitting at the table with these seasoned journalists. I had seen their names on the by-lines of many articles. I sat silently in awe of these giants vying for the next front cover. I felt tiny at their side.
I had ideas. Some were pretty good. Like the piece on the botched waterfront development program that ended in a bunch of political resignations a few years later. Or the profile of an up-and-coming filmmaker who would go on to make waves at the Toronto International Film Festival.
But I rarely shared my ideas. I was terrified of being judged. I imagined the firing line of questions from the other editors. “What’s the angle? Who are your sources? Who’s the audience????”
I was afraid that I wouldn’t have all of the answers. I told myself that with a little more research and polishing I’d be ready. I’d come back the following week and wow the socks off of the editorial team.
The problem was that that day never came. I kept the ideas I was most excited about to myself. And instead, I stuck to the safe road. The ideas that I did share were mediocre, at best. Not surprisingly I didn’t last long with the magazine.
It took me years to realize what had happened.
Without me even realizing it, my inner critic had completely taken over. You know, that voice in your head that chimes in just when you are about to try something new and says “no way, you can’t do that because…”
“You’ll look stupid.”
“You’re not good enough.”
“So-and-so knows way more about that than you do.”
My inner critic had somehow jumped into the driver’s seat. I was a mere passenger going wherever it wanted to go.
I wanted to regain control of the situation. At first, I tried to grab the steering wheel. The car swerved to the right. Pretty soon we were heading into oncoming traffic. The car spun around. I closed my eyes and let go.
I knew that I needed to come up with a different approach. So I decided to hear her out. I learned that her name is Marge. And it all started to make sense. That’s the variation of my middle name Margaret that I really dislike. She has wiry hair and an ear-piercingly high-pitched voice that you can hear even in a noisy crowded room.
Marge explained that she was trying to protect me from disappointment and failure. When she put it that way, I realized that was actually a noble cause.
But good intentions aside, I realized that Marge was getting in my way of being a better partner, mother, friend, and collaborator.
I was not putting my best work out into the world.
I became deeply frustrated. I wasn’t able to move forward with my projects, nor with my dreams. My creative well had run dry. My self-confidence was like a fragile glass figure, ready to break at the slightest knock.
Over time I have learned how to handle things when Marge starts to fuel my self-doubt. I realized that Marge is not me. I now treat her as I would a friend who is looking out for me. I now know that she’s persistent. She knows all of the buttons to push to get me to react. Before she even starts in on the reasons why something is going to fail, I now stop her. I tell her that I am going to try it anyway and see how it goes.
We have made peace.
Some people say you need to banish your inner critic, to silence it, or at the very least try to ignore it. In my case it was making peace with my inner critic that helped me to move beyond the fear of failure. I feel freer. My confidence has grown. I’ve started writing again. I’m doing the work I want to do. I challenge myself try new ideas in my facilitation sessions. I am finishing projects that I had shelved for many months. Like re-doing my home office. Marge says it’s taking way too long and it will not turn out the way I want it to. But I tell her to be patient. I’m getting there!
Gwyn Wansbrough is a Creative Facilitator and Experience Designer based in Barcelona, Spain. She works with people and organizations around the world to create dynamic and empowering learning experiences online and in person. She writes about facilitation, creativity, and learning in a weekly newsletter called The Quest. Subscribe here or visit www.gwynwansbrough.com to learn more. Download her free e-book Your Creativity Kickstarter with resources on overcoming your inner-critic and other ways to ignite creativity today.
Special thanks to Dish Stanley, Baillie Aaron, Tadiwanashe Mazivire, Jen Vermet, and Efty Katsareas for their feedback on this article.
